If I Could Update You

As I am adjusting to this life without you it feels rather...well...Weird. Every time something happens, I want to pick up my phone to call you just to be hit with the hard reminder that you are not able to answer. I may not be able to hold a one-to-one conversation with you like I used to, but I still send you messages. Sometimes I wonder if God gets tired of me sending messages to you at the end of each prayer. After I say in Jesus' name amen, I say hey God, can you tell my loved ones I miss them.  

I also ask God to give you a sneak peek of the drama that goes on wishing we could have a good laugh after I tell you how annoyed I was Haha. I miss you all tremendously, but I am doing better. I am stepping into my new norm with my head held high and my smile shining bright. There are times when grief hits me, and I feel sad. I will tell you when I first lost you, I thought life for me was over! I felt like I had no reason to keep going, I felt so alone. I wish you would have warned me about everything that comes with this grief thing...it is so stressful at times.  

I guess if you knew you would have prepared me. Speaking from experience, I do not want anyone to deal with grief the way I did. It was honestly a dark and lonely path and I wanted to stay there and never leave. I stopped trusting God and even stopped praying and going to church. This also showed me a lot about God, He loves me unconditionally. He never turned His back on me, even when I was angry at Him. If that is no unconditional love, I do not know what it is. 

He also welcomed me back with open arms, after all that time I was still welcomed back home which started my path to coping and living and I feel good. One thing this has taught me was that you never heal from grief, you learn to navigate through it. You will have good days, amazing days, and hard days. I also now understand that I am your legacy, I am a part of you. When it hits hard, I let myself feel all my emotions. 

Nobody tells you that there will always be a trigger. Nothing can stop the thoughts and memories of the ones you love. A song comes on and it holds a core memory, for example, Anita Baker. We all know that when you hear Auntie Anita on a Saturday it is time to clean the house. I know you all are in a better place and all I can do is hope that I am making you proud. Until we meet again, I will keep sending you updates at the end of my prayers.