The Final Conversation.

It was never easy not having my dad and I do not understand why you never let me spend time with him! I did not have a relationship with him because you hated him so much, and now he is gone. Why did you hate him so much? Why did you keep me from him? Why couldn’t you put your hate aside and let me get to know him? I only ever got to spend one weekend with him and after that, he was killed.  

You will never understand. Well help me to understand I have been left in the dark for so long, I need to know. Sitting there they looked at each other, both with tears running down their faces. She finally opened up to me, 22 years old, 14 years after his life was taken away. Your dad lived a dangerous life I did not want anything to happen to you. I could not get past the thought of you being with him and someone trying to get to him, and they got you instead. I wanted you to have a relationship with him, but I told him he had to leave that street life alone.  

So, there was no way you could have come up with a plan for him to even come over and spend time with me? Even if it was him just coming over to our house for just a few hours? I feel like there were ways around this. To be completely honest with you I was young, and I did not think of other ways. I did what I thought was best to protect you I would not be able to live with myself if something happened to you, what if you were with him when he was killed? What if I lost you both? I would not be able to live with that.  

This was hard for me, I loved him, and I wanted him to do better. But you let me spend the weekend with him and I was fine. And he was killed just a few days after you were with him! You cried so hard for him that Friday and you begged me to go with him. I did not want you to go but I could see how hurt you were, and I could not live with that. I am sorry I was just trying to protect you, baby girl. 

Having this deep conversation bought so much healing and understanding. Just for the hurt to happen all over again! Not even a week later and now you are gone! Sitting there asking God why? Why allow the healing just for more pain to come? Why take her when I already lost him? There was no understanding it was nothing but anger and feeling like there was not love God had for me just hate.  

This dark process was ongoing for about a year and a half. Until I just couldn’t take it anymore. Going back to church crying out to God...I DO NOT UNDERSTAND BUT ALL I KNOW IS THAT I NEED YOU! This cry out opened a door to a side of me I had not seen in years. This sense of peace wrapped around me; I knew I was forgiven. I turned my back in God and tried to live without him and it was a dark, scary, and peaceless time. The amazing thing about God is He loves us unconditionally and He never turns His back on us. When we act out, he welcomes us back with open arms. That is why still to this day I say God thank you for loving me unconditionally. This felt like the end of everything, but this was just the last conversation until we meet again.